Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
