I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
