Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
