2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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