You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
