My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
