Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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