I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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