Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Vodka?
Forever.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
