I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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