The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
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The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
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She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?