I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
