It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
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She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.