You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
