i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
zippers are such a cool invention
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Randomize
