Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
high people should be assigned attendants
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I want to be your penis for a week.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I love you. Go after that dick
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
