I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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