my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
