saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
