Where are you?
In a non slutty way
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
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