just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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