Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
