you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.