Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible