You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something