He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?