Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
