Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
