so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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