k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
