I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
