Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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