Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
