if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
