Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
