I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
