there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
