Little spoons don't ask big questions
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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