i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
