Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Randomize
