nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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