At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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