She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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