is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
