just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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