I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
