When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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