I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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