Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
