I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
