1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
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