Sponge bath it is.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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