omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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