Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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