Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
