I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
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My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
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