His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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