Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
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I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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