Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
