I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
