I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
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