1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
