she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
